splashed!

I just got back from an out of town trip with J and his mistahs. We went to Splash Mountain in Laguna. I'm still beat from all the splashing that we did! haha. The trip was all fun, fun, fun! Thanks to his crazy friends who were all good sport and made us laugh the entire trip!

The place is, by the way, super nice! It has a pool inside the room. In our pictures it looked more of a jacuzzi. Will try to post pictures as soon as Frank has downloaded it from his camera.

Will sign off now. Hope you all had a great weekend as well.

paying off debts

I have 4 credit cards. Yep. You read it right. f-o-u-r. 4 years ago, I started with one credit card wherein I pay off every purchase every month. In other words, zero balance. Then I started to learn to only pay half of the amount. That's when all my problems began. Interest and new purchases just kept on piling up that I have to avail of a new card for a balance transfer. After paying off the transfered amount, I have this tendency to use the card again. Sheesh! I have absolutely no discipline when it comes to my expenses.

Right now, I'm trying to start making the first step towards liberation of my credit cards. It will be a long and tedious process but I know it will be worth it in the end so I can really start to save up. Good luck to me. =P

sweet surprise

I love love surprises! And boy was I in for a sweet surprise last night.

I was with J last night. We have been going out every night while he's staying in Fort Boni and we try to maximize every day as much as possible before his deployment in Nueva Ecija sometime late May or early June.

Anyway, we were having our usual conversation when he told me sweetly that he has something for me. This is not usual of him as the first and only thing he gave me before was a cadet doll. I was totally surprised when the gift was the mini version of his class seal pendant. Ain't he sweet? I usually don't get surprises from him so when he does, I'm totally swept off my feet! Cheesy I know pro pagbigyan nyo ko, in lab e! *big grin*

bora part 2?

My friend texted me early last night inviting me to go to Boracay on June 7-10. Accomodation will be free since I will be sneaking in their room. Hehe. The invite is sooooo tempting. I enjoyed my holyweek getaway there and a part 2 a month later is an offer I can't hardly resist. But I have to consider my expenses as well. There are still a lot of out of town trips lined up for the coming weeks and I still have to consider our Palawan trip on September that I have to save up for.

Haaay! Anybody willing to sponsor me? Hehe.. Pengeng pera! =P

PL department outing

We just had our department outing cum planning session in Laiya Batangas. The place is nice, although the room is a bit small for 6 people. Well, the girls in our department had to sleep in one room while the 3 boys are in the cottage just beside ours. The price of the cottages is a bit steep. Good thing we don't have to pay for it!

I realized I cannot work by the beach. I've always associated the beach with relaxing and bumming around that making my mind work during the planning session proved to be a great struggle. We finished the planning session by 12 midnight and we drank like crazy after. Hehe.. Bumabawi lang sa stress.

It was fun although I hoped we had more time to dip in the waters. For pictures, just visit my multiply account http://bernagutierrez.multiply.com

i hope this will make sense

i dunno how to begin... i've been asking the Lord for the past few weeks to give me enough reason to let go... i think He already did... problem is, I can't find a place in my heart where I do want to let go... it's already screaming at me... i'm hurt... i'm disillusioned... i don't want to trust anymore... but my heart is telling me otherwise... could it be? that it's wrong again... just the same way that it was wrong when this same heart was screaming two years ago that i was meant to be with this somebody... i dunno... maybe i shouldn't trust my heart anymore... for it knows nothing of logic... but how do i start to let my mind rule when these past months... i did let my heart take the wheel... i'm blinded... maybe... can somebody lead me? i'm lost... yet again...

keeping this blog alive...

It's 2 am in the morning. I have LOTS and LOTS of school stuff to do and here I am wasting my time making a new entry. The past month has been pretty crazy! I've been running around like a headless chicken trying to maximize his 1-month break. Sickness caught up during the later part due to lack of sleep and trying to balance a lot of things all at the same time. No regrets though, it's when you lose control that you feel alive.

I have a lot of cleaning up to do though. From my finances to my work to catching up with friends again. Spending quality time with SO lessened those bonding time with my best buds.

So what did I do for the past month?

Spent 4 days in Baguio for his graduation -- the activities for the graduation made me wake up at 5 am in the morning! to think I'm supposed to be on vacation!

3 days in Puerto Galera - went snorkelling this time and rode the banana boat for the first time!

5 glorious days in Boracay - thanks to the 5-day weekend I was able to finally set foot on the sands of Boracay. Quiet expensive though as the plan was only formulated when we were just waiting for his flight back to Cagayan de Oro. Talk about spontaneity at its finest!

3 days in Baguio - this time it's for business reasons. he has to settle some papers before his first day of work. Quite tiring. The 3rd day tested our patience to the highest level. Nothing seemed to be going right that day. Thank goodness it's over and we managed to get out of it alive. =P


So there.. no pictures though.. maybe next time.

I now need to go back and finish my paper for Management Principles. Aaargh.. I can't wait for my 6-week vacation from school!!! No more saturday classes for me next time!

sometimes i wonder..

Kung talagang masokista ako. That I always find myself in situations that are so hard and yet I can't seem to get out of it or I choose not to get out of it. Nachachallenge ba ko? Or maybe I just don't want changes to happen. Ewan. I always choose the hard way.. Aaargh.. Gusto ko ng iuntog ang ulo ko sa pader.. hay...

ayoko na yata

I'm pms-ing again.

I think.

I hope.

Otherwise...

I'm doomed.

I think I need a change.

Whatever change it is.

I don't know.

As usual.

I don't know what I want again.

Or i know it, I'm just afraid to go for it.

Because going for it might mean...

Letting go.

reminder to self

... change is inevitable, people change so learn to deal with it
... patience is a virtue
... if you do good to others, it will come back to you a 100 fold
... loving him includes accepting and learning to deal with his work in the future.. the very near future
... never be too needy. keep yourself busy (im busy enough as it is. maybe I have to do more activities.. ung walang tulugan)
... playing around will do no good
... have faith that whatever He thinks you need know, He will show you

mark your calendar

date: September 21-24, 2007

destination:

PALAWAN baby! =)

summer's here!

Yipee! I'm not really a fan of basking in the sun and getting a tan (well, for obvious reasons.. di naman ako ganun kaputi! haha) but I do love the beach and I love seeing the beach in it's full glory during summer season! And since it's the first day of March, I can't help but feel giddy on all those upcoming outings! I haven't purchased a new swimsuit yet. I better get one soonest lest prices go sky-rocketing come April.

One of my personal goal each year is to go somewhere I've never been to. Last year, I went to 2 new places. Cebu and Bohol. This year, I'm really targetting on finally stepping on the sands of Boracay. Most of my officemates are actually surprised whenever I tell them I haven't been in that glorious beach. Sa sobrang lakwachera ko daw kasi, dapat yun daw ang beach na inuuna ko! =P So, I'm really setting my eyes on a Bora (lagot ako kay Mo!) get-away this summer. Me and my high school friends are now scouting for cheap packages. We are setting our maximum budget to 15k (all-in). It would be better if we can lower that to 10k but this could mean "de lata" meals all through out our stay. haha!

I'm really excited! Plus, I'd have a looooong vacation before I start my classes again for next school year. Isn't that great?! Summer here I come!

no matter how hard i try...

I still can't shake off this feeling. Haay.. it has been consuming me lately. Taking the best of me. Is this a warning sign? Or just plain paranoia? I know I don't make sense. Nothing does.

Manic March

I was trying to calendar each activity that I have lined up for March and I realized I have a very busy (not to mention expensive) month ahead of me.

I will be going to HK from March 11 to 14 for the Portfolio Management workshop. On March 17-19, I will be in Baguio again to attend my SO's graduation (yey!). March 22-23 is scheduled for a Batangas trip and if initial plans will push through, I'll be off far north from March 25-28. I still haven't included there my activities in school. By March 3, I had to submit the take home midterms in my econ class and I have to make a presentation for our March 24 report. There's also a lot of gimiks and birthday celebs in between the dates I've mentioned above.

These may seem like a lot of activities to do in one month but more than half of it will be spent on leisure so I'm not really complaining. I just wish I will still have enough moolah to go to Boracay on April. hehe.. I didn't have a decent out of town trip this February (to think last year, I was already in Puerto Galera at this time of the year) so my March trips should make up for that. In other words, bumabawi lang ako! haha! Excuses, excuses. But seriously, I do need a beach vacation pretty soon. My body is already succumbing to stress from work and from my classes.

Can't hardly wait for March! =)

Happy Sunday!

Im not going to write another heavy entry today. Today will be devoted to happy thoughts. My tendency when I'm really happy is to bask in my happiness that I forget about everything else including this blog. When I look at my archives, there a lot of entries pertaining to pain, hurting, moving on, getting lost. It would seem like I just devote most of my time sulking and involving myself in a lot of self-reflection. So from now on, I will try to write anything here in my blog.. including the happy ones. =)

Anyway, I just took my midterm exam yesterday in my Management Principles class. Whew! Boy was I tired. I rallied on reading 250 pages in ONE day. Yep! One day. The tamaditis in me kicked in hard that 2 weeks of lead time only turned to waste. I even had to take a leave from the office to study. Well, I think it paid off. The exam was relatively easy and I'm confident that I'd be getting a grade of at least 90%. Not bad for cramming everything in one day. =P

There are still a lot of work to be done in the next few weeks. We still have 2 cases to submit on March 10, which by the way one of my groupmates pressured the rest of the group to do well on these next cases since we got quite a bit low grade in our first 2 cases. I guess I really have to step up here in my graduate studies to somehow train myself to not be comfortable with 2nd best. That I should aim for the highest.

Speaking of training, SO is undergoing rigid training in their camp in Nueva Ecija right now. I haven't had a decent (read: long) conversation with him since he started crawling in the mountains of Fort Magsaysay. We only get to talk at night. I feel like I'm also training for what lies ahead when he graduates. The set-up was a bit frustrating at the start but I'm starting to get used to it. I came to realize, this is the easiest part. It gets worse when he steps into the real battlefield. But that deserves another entry. Only happy thoughts for today.

So there. Something not too heavy. =P

take two

Written: December 11, 2006

Maybe part of my hesitation is that I'm hearing the same words all over again. Same promises.. of holding on.. even when things get tough. Maybe I'm afraid to believe in it again. It's not your fault. It's the circumstances that made me think and feel this way. It's scary. I don't think I'm ready to go back to that "blackhole" just yet. I'm not even sure when I will be ready. Maybe you're not ready either. You're just overwhelmed. Let's see. For now, maintain status quo. It's easier this way. After all, I think we're both happy now.

I wrote this last December 11, when things were somehow developing quite fast. Reading it again, I guess I was really too scared to fall that time. But, my heart can only hold back for so long. The walls that I built started to crumble bit by bit.

After our galera trip, things went clearer. He told me everything about his past. He revealed his feelings for me. I on the other hand, found myself enjoying his company more. I was hesitant with that trip at first. I thought we won't have anything to talk about mainly because we really don't have anything in common... I was dead wrong. I finally saw him in a different light after that 3-day trip.

I was still a bit scared to love him that time because of what I learned but I found myself more scared of losing him. Things got really complicated when we got back from Puerto Galera. Let's just say, it involved a lot of tears. Xmas was not that pleasant as I was up on my toes figuring out what was happening. And after the storm... after the chaos.. I got to talk to him again. When everything was clear (for me and for him), I said those three words. That I love him. I didn't see it coming but I did fall for him already.

It feels good.. damn good to take that leap again. To feel that natural high. The whole ordeal proved that I am still capable of using my heart. After all the mess that I've been through last year...yes, he finally came and with him came the answers to the questions that have been lingering in my head. I am happy once again.

gloomy

Due to lack of enough sleep for the past week I feel weak and tired today. I'm not sad. Just tired. And my brain is working like a dial up connection... sooooo slooooooooooow! I need to sleep.

Going public

People who know that I am in a relationship again have been asking me why I haven’t changed my status in friendster. Yes, friendster is the BIG announcer of your current status in your lovelife. It’s not that I want to hide my relationship from the world. I just want to keep things simple for now. I’ve already experienced being open and public with everyone and though I feel like they were happy for me then (well, most were happy but I’ve heard just recently that some did not approve of it at the start), I didn’t like what transpired when the relationship ended. People tend to make up stories and form their opinion based on that. They think like they know everything about your relationship just because you shared to them some teeny-weeny bit of your story.

I still remember how hard it was to cope back then…how people have this tendency to open healing wounds when they start to ask…how I just shrugged off each bad opinion about the relationship…and how it was hard explaining to them that it just didn’t work. If I tell everybody now, surely there will be lots of opinions again. I even have this friend here in the office who had her boyfriend misjudged by people in her department because of her boyfriend’s occupation. They think that her boyfriend will start to play around because of his line of profession. Crap. Just because their marriage didn’t work because their husband was in the same field would mean that it’d have the same ending. It’s a different person for crying out loud!

Not announcing actually makes this relationship all the more special. I have this tendency to get approval from others and then stick with my decision when I hear positive feedback. It’s different this time. I am happy without consulting anybody. I made this decision because my heart says so, not because others approved of him or because other people think he’s a great catch.

If I can shout to the whole world that I love him, I will. But I’m contented with the way things are going right now. That we are both happy. I am happy. I have loved. I am loved.

ghost

Yesterday, as I was lying on sick bed, I got this weird deja vu-ish feeling. The same fear that I had before suddenly resurfaced and for some reason, I can't shake it off.

I was in some sort of paranoid state yesterday that I kept on analyzing everything from the text messages to the tone of voice when he calls. It was like 2005 all over again. When everything was not in my control. When I was needy for the assurance that things are still ok and stable. The past that I've long forgotten flashed right before me as if it happened only yesterday. And I got really scared.

Fortunately, the feeling disappears everytime I talk to him. I was assured again of how the relationship is and the love he feels for me but as soon as we hung up the phone, paranoia slowly creeps in again. I guess I'm being overly cautious. I keep on searching for the warning signs hoping that I'd be able to resolve it as early as possible. But then, there are no warning signs yet. There is nothing to be warned of. I am just making these all up. The ghost of the past is just haunting me. This might be the scar talking (or thinking). I am not blaming anyone. Not even him. That painful event already happened and everyone has already healed (i think!) from that. I have already moved on and so has he.

When you finally feel that love again, you can't help but be scared of feeling the pain that comes with it. I don't want to go back there but my mind got the best of me yesterday.

So now, I'm just hoping and praying really hard that this ghost would go away. I don't want some made up thing to cause this relationship to fall apart.

happiness

The past 3 weeks have marked a new phase in my life. I think I've achieved a certain level of happiness that I never thought I'm capable of feeling again. Although if I compare, yes I know it's so unfair to do that but I can't help it. I also have my own benchmark with regards to what I'm feeling. If I compare, my feelings for him are still by far logical. In what sense? This time, I don't look at the future anymore. I do take things a day at a time. No more hopes of forever and of undying love. I don't know what will happen in the next months. I will deal with tomorrow as it comes.

2006

This has been the most amazing, enlightening, mind-boggling, earth shaking year i ever had so far!

I've accomplished a lot of things this year. Met lots of great people. Been to amazing new places. I did a lot of firsts this year. And as I've always said, this year had been one heck of a ride. I'm so grateful for everything.. good and bad alike. I feel more mature and stronger this time around.

So many things have happened and here are the highlights (in random order) of this tough-to-beat year:

1) Finally seeing the light after a long dark journey.. :P

2) Meeting that stranger who helped me see that light.

3) Bumming around in Kharen's apartment.. pure bliss!

4) Instant overnights!

5) Finally got to travel out of Luzon... twice! ain't that sweet?

6) 3 fun-filled, no-work-in-mind days in Cebu with my officemates.

7) Getting to a glorious island after a near-death experience. The destination is worth the dangerous ride.

8) Beach bumming.. heaven!

9) Crossing that damned bridge which explained everything about my lovelife.. teehee..

10) Sauna room in Subic

11) Discovering the best places to eat.

12) Kayak!

13) Starting my MBA class.. and loving it!

14) Meeting the benchmark.

15) Finally recognizing my turning point after a lot of pseudo-turning points.

16) Taking too much risk.. still no regrets though! I learned from each experience.

17) 4 is the magic number baby.. and all 4 can run well.. :P

18) Batallion hop..

19) Island hopping, snorkelling and beach bumming... in bohol!

20) my 4th puerto galera trip in one word: enlightening

21) finally taking the plunge.. :P

happy happy, joy joy, kalat kalat!

Time out muna sa emote. =)

********

Finally, this term is almost over. One more final paper and I'm off to vacation mode. It's time to celebrate! Lots of Xmas parties ahead. Can't wait! =P

********

I'm seriously thinking of changing careers... soon. I'm getting awfully tired of numbers. Maybe it's time to practice my pambobola tricks and make a career out of it.

********

Gusto kong matutong magdrive... I really want to practice driving again. This was one of my to do's for this year. Problem is I'm too lazy to practice with stick shift. Maybe I can purchase an automatic. Haha. Wishful thinking!

*********

Kalat kalat ang post na to. Pang-relax lang after a hectic day at work. I wish I can go to the spa again! Paging Badeti! =P

lost

What do you do when you suddenly lose the zest to do anything? When everything else seems gloomy and yet you don't know what the problem is?

I am lost.

I have a lot of things to be happy and grateful for. Yet I still manage to make myself depressed. I think my heart is already charging me for all the foolish things I did. It's payback time I guess. Or maybe that's not it. Maybe there are other things which I'm not aware of that's causing me to feel this way. I really don't know.

How I wish I can undergo the memory-erasing treatment similar to that of "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" movie.

Or use ctrl+alt+del. Reboot. Restart. Save the changes? No.

3 cm

This figure would have made a big difference in my life.

As I woke up this morning, I recalled my ultimate dream of traveling the world for free. My thoughts brought me back to that day when it took only 3 cm (or the lack thereof) to shatter that dream.

Owell. San ba pwedeng magpahatak? hehe..

routine

One is enough, two is already too much and three is like... "what the hell are you thinking?".

I know the drill. I'm still in full control of my emotions. I don't ask anymore. I think I've acquired a new habit. A very, very bad habit.

the genie has been good to me

So far, every wish I made this year were granted. And with each wish coming to reality, I learn new lessons. Life is great.

"You are never given a wish without being given the power to make it come true"... amen to that!

now i know why

Apparently, the fascination on military runs in the family.

My mom's first boyfriend is a member of the airforce.

Huwat? I almost fell off my seat... laughing.

She even told me that she so loves the military wedding rites!

She finds the sword thingie quite amusing.

So, will my mom's dream wedding come true?

Haha

Fat chance. :P

Or is it?

running away

When I get really frustrated, sometimes I just want to turn my back and give up. The other night, I was contemplating on the idea of going to Baguio alone and untraceable. I feel like I want to take a breather from all these. My emotional wellness has been going down the drain these past few days. I was even close to calling this someone from out of the blue. He will surely be surprised if I did call--with matching tears pa. Good thing I let the emotion pass by, otherwise God knows how I'll be emotionally unstable after that.

Point is, I've run out of possible solutions. I'm tired trying to fix some dysfunctional aspects of my life. Heck, maybe I'll just let it remain at that...in chaos. Maybe I'm not really meant for a peaceful and simple life.

With no answers in sight, running away seems to be the only plausible solution.

i never learn

And so here I go again. Finding myself asking the ultimate question "why?". One of my new year's resolution err.. to do's was to stay away from heart breaking situations. First thing I did after "healing" was to subject myself in another heart-breaking-although-a-lot-less-painful-than-before scenario. The worst part is, it didn't happen only once. There were a lot of these scenarios during the last 8 months. Yes. I can be stubborn. I am stubborn. Indeed, one of the toughest things to do is to follow your own advice.

I don't know what I want and I end up getting myself hurt in the process. When will I see the bigger picture? Why are all these things happening? I found myself in emo mode once again last night. There were some tears. Out of frustration. Hopefully, I'd find the answers soon.

chocolate hills, tarsiers and having the greatest vacation of all time...

After 6 loooong months of waiting, our Bohol trip finally happened! There were a few bumps during the wait but nevertheless it was still one amazing experience.

Day 1:
2 Hours before riding the plane, I confirmed my reservation in Alona Kew. That's how unplanned this trip was. Yes, we knew 6 months before that we are going to Bohol but we didn't make any reservations months before the trip. Pretty brave eh!

Going there was a breeze, it was scorching hot in Manila so we expected the same sunlight upon arrival in Bohol. Much to our surprise/dismay, it was cloudy and drizzling in that part of the island. The 30-minute ride to Panglao Island was great, we can already see the wonderful waters of Bohol. We didn't get to do much on this first day but to explore the place.. find budget resto, gimik place and the like.

Bohol is a place conducive for couples and lovers. It's so peaceful that you will really get to have quality time with your loved one. Prior to the trip, some people were tellling us that it's kinda boring if you'd go with your friends since there's no night life there. All I can say is, I was with the best company. There was never a time that we got bored during our stay.

Day 2: Island Tour

I was pretty excited with the countryside tour. I'd finally get to see the chocolate hills and the tarsier! Kuya Gary, our driver and tour guide, told us some pretty interesting things about Bohol. Here are some:

• the blood compact "shrine" is not where the real event happened, historians made a study and found out that it happened on the other town of Bohol. I forgot what town it is.
• Cesar Montano proposed in the watchtower near the Baclayon church with the Loboc children's choir singing for Sunshine. Awww.. our expectations for our own proposals just got a notch higher.
• Tarsier foreplay lasts for 3 months which involves chasing each other from one branch to another... and the main part lasts for only 3 seconds. O please, please.. don't let me be a tarsier in my next life. hahaha
• underneath the chocolate hills are coral stones

The chocolate hills did not disappointment me at all. I can stare at it for hours and I won't mind. It was still cloudy and raining that day though so we can't see the other 1,000++ hills. The man-made forest is amazing! We didn't get to take a picture of it because it was raining really hard that time. Next stop was the hanging bridge. With rain and slippery bamboo, crossing the darn bridge proved to be a real challenge.

It was past lunchtime when we got to the tarsiers. I was expecting to enter a forest and see the tarsier from there but the place where the captive tarsiers were located are far from what I expected. They were just hanging by a plant! Anyway, the tarsiers are sooo cute eventhough I was afraid to stick my face right beside them as it might jump on my head. :p

After the tarsier experience we boarded the floating restaurant for the loboc river cruise! The food was not that great but the view and the whole experience of the cruise was well worth the buffet fee we paid for. There was even a mini-falls on one part of the river. We got lucky with our raft as it's the happiest raft in the river. The band that was playing is good. They played a lot of oldies-but-goodies songs which made us dance a little. Everybody in that cruise had fun!!!

Next stop was the Baclayon church and the watchtower. Baclayon church is really old. There were artifacts that are more than 2 centuries old! And they were able to preserve it that long. We then went to the watchtower where Cesar proposed to Sunshine... took lots of pictures from Kharol's phone cam and then went back to the resort.

Our second day is tiring but it was so much fun! Hopefully when we come back, we'd be able to see the chocolate hills again, hopefully with no mint flavor that time. :P

Day 3: The day our second life began

Day 3 was reserved for the island hopping experience. Sunny but super windy day resulted to a death-defying boat ride. I swore I've never been that scared my whole life. My heart was pumping with every wave. Even our 11-year friendship was on the line on that thrilling boat ride. When we got to the Virgin island, I guess the near death experience was worth it. hehe.. The waters are soooo clear! I swear, my fear with the sun was overpowered by my longing to swim in the clear water. I've never seen such beach in my whole life. The name speaks for itself, it is virgin and pure in it's truest sense of the word. After that, we went snorkeling before proceeding to Doljo beach where Ananyana is located. Ananyana is actually the 5th best spa place in the whole world. That is according to their website. =) The waters are so calm and peaceful when we got there, it was tempting to just sleep in the hammock all day. We went back to Alona beach using a different mode of transpo as we're too damn scared to brave the fierce waters again. We rode a trike on our way back. Talk about adventure!

That night, since it was our last night, we drank like crazy! Gulping a whole pitcher of alcohol in just 20 minutes. When I lied down, it was like I was knocked down by aneasthesia. I just woke up the next morning trying to recall what happened. =)

Day 4:

This was our last day and we went out to the beach, all bright and sunny... with smaller waves this time. The beach is really amazing. Words can't even begin to describe how beautiful the place is. We took lots of pictures.. no.. make that TONS of pictures. We managed to take a little less than 900 pictures in just 4 days! We took pictures from sariling-sikap shots to friendster-primary-photo shots.

As we head back to our cottage, I marvelled at this amazing beach one more time. Just by staring at the sea made all the 6 months of waiting worth it!

I wouldn't mind going back to Bohol. It's officially one of my favorite places now... if not my most favorite. =)