no matter how hard i try...

I still can't shake off this feeling. Haay.. it has been consuming me lately. Taking the best of me. Is this a warning sign? Or just plain paranoia? I know I don't make sense. Nothing does.

Manic March

I was trying to calendar each activity that I have lined up for March and I realized I have a very busy (not to mention expensive) month ahead of me.

I will be going to HK from March 11 to 14 for the Portfolio Management workshop. On March 17-19, I will be in Baguio again to attend my SO's graduation (yey!). March 22-23 is scheduled for a Batangas trip and if initial plans will push through, I'll be off far north from March 25-28. I still haven't included there my activities in school. By March 3, I had to submit the take home midterms in my econ class and I have to make a presentation for our March 24 report. There's also a lot of gimiks and birthday celebs in between the dates I've mentioned above.

These may seem like a lot of activities to do in one month but more than half of it will be spent on leisure so I'm not really complaining. I just wish I will still have enough moolah to go to Boracay on April. hehe.. I didn't have a decent out of town trip this February (to think last year, I was already in Puerto Galera at this time of the year) so my March trips should make up for that. In other words, bumabawi lang ako! haha! Excuses, excuses. But seriously, I do need a beach vacation pretty soon. My body is already succumbing to stress from work and from my classes.

Can't hardly wait for March! =)

Happy Sunday!

Im not going to write another heavy entry today. Today will be devoted to happy thoughts. My tendency when I'm really happy is to bask in my happiness that I forget about everything else including this blog. When I look at my archives, there a lot of entries pertaining to pain, hurting, moving on, getting lost. It would seem like I just devote most of my time sulking and involving myself in a lot of self-reflection. So from now on, I will try to write anything here in my blog.. including the happy ones. =)

Anyway, I just took my midterm exam yesterday in my Management Principles class. Whew! Boy was I tired. I rallied on reading 250 pages in ONE day. Yep! One day. The tamaditis in me kicked in hard that 2 weeks of lead time only turned to waste. I even had to take a leave from the office to study. Well, I think it paid off. The exam was relatively easy and I'm confident that I'd be getting a grade of at least 90%. Not bad for cramming everything in one day. =P

There are still a lot of work to be done in the next few weeks. We still have 2 cases to submit on March 10, which by the way one of my groupmates pressured the rest of the group to do well on these next cases since we got quite a bit low grade in our first 2 cases. I guess I really have to step up here in my graduate studies to somehow train myself to not be comfortable with 2nd best. That I should aim for the highest.

Speaking of training, SO is undergoing rigid training in their camp in Nueva Ecija right now. I haven't had a decent (read: long) conversation with him since he started crawling in the mountains of Fort Magsaysay. We only get to talk at night. I feel like I'm also training for what lies ahead when he graduates. The set-up was a bit frustrating at the start but I'm starting to get used to it. I came to realize, this is the easiest part. It gets worse when he steps into the real battlefield. But that deserves another entry. Only happy thoughts for today.

So there. Something not too heavy. =P

take two

Written: December 11, 2006

Maybe part of my hesitation is that I'm hearing the same words all over again. Same promises.. of holding on.. even when things get tough. Maybe I'm afraid to believe in it again. It's not your fault. It's the circumstances that made me think and feel this way. It's scary. I don't think I'm ready to go back to that "blackhole" just yet. I'm not even sure when I will be ready. Maybe you're not ready either. You're just overwhelmed. Let's see. For now, maintain status quo. It's easier this way. After all, I think we're both happy now.

I wrote this last December 11, when things were somehow developing quite fast. Reading it again, I guess I was really too scared to fall that time. But, my heart can only hold back for so long. The walls that I built started to crumble bit by bit.

After our galera trip, things went clearer. He told me everything about his past. He revealed his feelings for me. I on the other hand, found myself enjoying his company more. I was hesitant with that trip at first. I thought we won't have anything to talk about mainly because we really don't have anything in common... I was dead wrong. I finally saw him in a different light after that 3-day trip.

I was still a bit scared to love him that time because of what I learned but I found myself more scared of losing him. Things got really complicated when we got back from Puerto Galera. Let's just say, it involved a lot of tears. Xmas was not that pleasant as I was up on my toes figuring out what was happening. And after the storm... after the chaos.. I got to talk to him again. When everything was clear (for me and for him), I said those three words. That I love him. I didn't see it coming but I did fall for him already.

It feels good.. damn good to take that leap again. To feel that natural high. The whole ordeal proved that I am still capable of using my heart. After all the mess that I've been through last year...yes, he finally came and with him came the answers to the questions that have been lingering in my head. I am happy once again.

gloomy

Due to lack of enough sleep for the past week I feel weak and tired today. I'm not sad. Just tired. And my brain is working like a dial up connection... sooooo slooooooooooow! I need to sleep.