Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Going public

People who know that I am in a relationship again have been asking me why I haven’t changed my status in friendster. Yes, friendster is the BIG announcer of your current status in your lovelife. It’s not that I want to hide my relationship from the world. I just want to keep things simple for now. I’ve already experienced being open and public with everyone and though I feel like they were happy for me then (well, most were happy but I’ve heard just recently that some did not approve of it at the start), I didn’t like what transpired when the relationship ended. People tend to make up stories and form their opinion based on that. They think like they know everything about your relationship just because you shared to them some teeny-weeny bit of your story.

I still remember how hard it was to cope back then…how people have this tendency to open healing wounds when they start to ask…how I just shrugged off each bad opinion about the relationship…and how it was hard explaining to them that it just didn’t work. If I tell everybody now, surely there will be lots of opinions again. I even have this friend here in the office who had her boyfriend misjudged by people in her department because of her boyfriend’s occupation. They think that her boyfriend will start to play around because of his line of profession. Crap. Just because their marriage didn’t work because their husband was in the same field would mean that it’d have the same ending. It’s a different person for crying out loud!

Not announcing actually makes this relationship all the more special. I have this tendency to get approval from others and then stick with my decision when I hear positive feedback. It’s different this time. I am happy without consulting anybody. I made this decision because my heart says so, not because others approved of him or because other people think he’s a great catch.

If I can shout to the whole world that I love him, I will. But I’m contented with the way things are going right now. That we are both happy. I am happy. I have loved. I am loved.

Thursday, January 11, 2007


Yesterday, as I was lying on sick bed, I got this weird deja vu-ish feeling. The same fear that I had before suddenly resurfaced and for some reason, I can't shake it off.

I was in some sort of paranoid state yesterday that I kept on analyzing everything from the text messages to the tone of voice when he calls. It was like 2005 all over again. When everything was not in my control. When I was needy for the assurance that things are still ok and stable. The past that I've long forgotten flashed right before me as if it happened only yesterday. And I got really scared.

Fortunately, the feeling disappears everytime I talk to him. I was assured again of how the relationship is and the love he feels for me but as soon as we hung up the phone, paranoia slowly creeps in again. I guess I'm being overly cautious. I keep on searching for the warning signs hoping that I'd be able to resolve it as early as possible. But then, there are no warning signs yet. There is nothing to be warned of. I am just making these all up. The ghost of the past is just haunting me. This might be the scar talking (or thinking). I am not blaming anyone. Not even him. That painful event already happened and everyone has already healed (i think!) from that. I have already moved on and so has he.

When you finally feel that love again, you can't help but be scared of feeling the pain that comes with it. I don't want to go back there but my mind got the best of me yesterday.

So now, I'm just hoping and praying really hard that this ghost would go away. I don't want some made up thing to cause this relationship to fall apart.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007


The past 3 weeks have marked a new phase in my life. I think I've achieved a certain level of happiness that I never thought I'm capable of feeling again. Although if I compare, yes I know it's so unfair to do that but I can't help it. I also have my own benchmark with regards to what I'm feeling. If I compare, my feelings for him are still by far logical. In what sense? This time, I don't look at the future anymore. I do take things a day at a time. No more hopes of forever and of undying love. I don't know what will happen in the next months. I will deal with tomorrow as it comes.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007


This has been the most amazing, enlightening, mind-boggling, earth shaking year i ever had so far!

I've accomplished a lot of things this year. Met lots of great people. Been to amazing new places. I did a lot of firsts this year. And as I've always said, this year had been one heck of a ride. I'm so grateful for everything.. good and bad alike. I feel more mature and stronger this time around.

So many things have happened and here are the highlights (in random order) of this tough-to-beat year:

1) Finally seeing the light after a long dark journey.. :P

2) Meeting that stranger who helped me see that light.

3) Bumming around in Kharen's apartment.. pure bliss!

4) Instant overnights!

5) Finally got to travel out of Luzon... twice! ain't that sweet?

6) 3 fun-filled, no-work-in-mind days in Cebu with my officemates.

7) Getting to a glorious island after a near-death experience. The destination is worth the dangerous ride.

8) Beach bumming.. heaven!

9) Crossing that damned bridge which explained everything about my lovelife.. teehee..

10) Sauna room in Subic

11) Discovering the best places to eat.

12) Kayak!

13) Starting my MBA class.. and loving it!

14) Meeting the benchmark.

15) Finally recognizing my turning point after a lot of pseudo-turning points.

16) Taking too much risk.. still no regrets though! I learned from each experience.

17) 4 is the magic number baby.. and all 4 can run well.. :P

18) Batallion hop..

19) Island hopping, snorkelling and beach bumming... in bohol!

20) my 4th puerto galera trip in one word: enlightening

21) finally taking the plunge.. :P