Thursday, January 11, 2007


Yesterday, as I was lying on sick bed, I got this weird deja vu-ish feeling. The same fear that I had before suddenly resurfaced and for some reason, I can't shake it off.

I was in some sort of paranoid state yesterday that I kept on analyzing everything from the text messages to the tone of voice when he calls. It was like 2005 all over again. When everything was not in my control. When I was needy for the assurance that things are still ok and stable. The past that I've long forgotten flashed right before me as if it happened only yesterday. And I got really scared.

Fortunately, the feeling disappears everytime I talk to him. I was assured again of how the relationship is and the love he feels for me but as soon as we hung up the phone, paranoia slowly creeps in again. I guess I'm being overly cautious. I keep on searching for the warning signs hoping that I'd be able to resolve it as early as possible. But then, there are no warning signs yet. There is nothing to be warned of. I am just making these all up. The ghost of the past is just haunting me. This might be the scar talking (or thinking). I am not blaming anyone. Not even him. That painful event already happened and everyone has already healed (i think!) from that. I have already moved on and so has he.

When you finally feel that love again, you can't help but be scared of feeling the pain that comes with it. I don't want to go back there but my mind got the best of me yesterday.

So now, I'm just hoping and praying really hard that this ghost would go away. I don't want some made up thing to cause this relationship to fall apart.

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